bonniegrrl | Back from the Red State Thanksgiving Tour

My mom is great with babies (as you can see above with me), but I think once they're able to talk back she loses all interest. The happiest I saw her all Thanksgiving week was when she was holding my niece. The rest was a toss up.

We all have dysfunctional families on some level, mine just happens to always have a few more issues than usual. And the holidays simply magnify them.

My week in spanned Colorado, then Nebraska, then Kansas, and back to Nebraska again. But more importantly it spanned the emotions of guilt, regret, anger, self-pity, confusion, anger and then defeat. I know that sounds more like an episode of Dr. Phil than a happy holiday. But that's kind of what happened. Instead of being completely vague here are the bullet points (both good and bad) for you ADD kids.

Met my baby niece Riley Grace, then my 5-year-old nephew Jacob and my brother's wife Katie. They were all great. The baby didn't spit up on me and Jake thinks I'm cool because I can play dodgeball and hotwheels racing like a pro. He thinks I'm seven and that's fine with me.
Saw my mom's new house and let her fix me many cups of tea. Felt nothing but regret that I don't have any money from the dotcombust to put her up in style.
Watched mom go from ecstatic, to quiet, to confused, to really pissed off, to depressed.
Snipped at my mom, which didn't help matters much, and probably made them worse when I should have just shut the hell up.
Witnessed my brother get fed up with either me, or mom or both.
Saw my stepfamily for the first time in years.
Won at Trivial Pursuit '90s Edition.
Argued with relatives about whether Harry Potter is Satanic (he's not), Bush's re-election (all my relatives except mom are Repubs), parenting advice (I'm writing a chapter on sibling rivalry in a friend's book), and so on.
Ate really tasty pie... including Minced Meat Pie which I never had before.
Played lots of cards -- Gin Rummy and Pitch.
Vegged infront of the TV watching "SpongeBob" with my nephew, and "Everyone Loves Raymond," "Seinfeld" and "King of Queens" with mom.
Got spooked out while trying to sleep with the heartbeat baby monitor on.
Woke up startled from a sleep when I thought I heard a ghostly voice whisper "Wake up!" in my ear while staying in the guestroom in my Dad's house. (Could have just been jumpy from all the soda I drank in a 48 hour period.)
Walked around old high school haunts like the literally haunted Northern Hotel in Fort Collins, Colorado.
Listened to more country music that I ever want to again.
Held a baby as she slept. (An extreme rarity.)
Got a cool kids' necklace of a sparkly tiara.
Read a lot on the plane -- appropriate book of choice being Dress Your Family in Denim and Corduroy by David Sedaris.
Felt a continuous combo of regret and frustration during my visit.
Didn't eat one piece of turkey, but plenty of chili.
Remembered why I really, really love my life in San Francisco, and the friends who have become my all-too-important second family.